This is it. When I cannot take it anymore. No, taking my whole life is not the answer. Although my life isn't anything special, it's not something to waste. It's something to be proud of and take charge of. I've lost many, either due to death or abandonment. This is it. I am not dwelling on the past anymore, I'm burying it deep in my mind. It's something that will never haunt me ever again. Some don't know what has happened, that's why they do not understand. Which is also, understandable. I do not blame anyone or anything, and that's how it's always had to go. I do not comprehend how someone could develop a full understanding of how this life works. Why it brings up down, and why it chooses to bring us back up from the ashes. Why it gives us such pain, and why such happiness. It's something that'll never be taken into consideration, and proven. It'll go unanswered by all of us, for as long as we exist.
I've told myself, "You're fine." It's come to be true. Everyone is fine. It's the anxiety of knowing that we may not be alright that thrills us into thinking otherwise. Yet; why do we have this sort of thrill? If it only brings negative upon us, then why does it even make it's presence?
I know that much of what I say is just an interrogation upon myself, questioning to myself what's happening to me, and what I'm feeling. It doesn't feel like it gets better, but no matter how much I try and deny it; I know that's false. I'll always be fine, and that's my permission to ask for if I chose otherwise.
I don't forget who I am. Or at least, who I used to be, and who I want to be again. The old me! The one who was truly confident, and beyond beautiful; not for looks, but for pureness. It showed through everything, and it still does today. I'm still the one who fills every sentence I speak with kindness, and sympathy, and ethical language. Not everybody has a heart as thick as mine. They've taken me down to the skin and bone, they've stripped me of what I actually know about myself. I've changed; just all too much. My transformation didn't help me, but only helped enrich the lives of the ones I love. Only to help them, but to never give a damn about myself. Never to regret anything I've done for them, but to only think twice about what I've done to myself. I used to ponder on how fantastic my life could've been if it hadn't been for my past. Then... I realize, I shouldn't... I just can't. It's not going to do anything but bring me to the realization that I've done nothing.
Then, I creep upon the fact that I shall accept who I am, and what I am. Who cares what others think, or what they bring towards me. It's within my permission who hurts me, and who doesn't. So, no more listening to the ones who bring me down, or call me names of uncertainty. I know, I'm fucking crazy. I like it that way, to be different from others. To embrace the darkness rather than to push it away. Yet, also to support the light and welcome it. I remember how I was the girl who stood up for herself, and the one who defended herself for whenever she wanted. When someone swung at her, she did the same back without hesitation. Or when they threatened her, she smirked at them with sarcasm. Now, she's changed from the way she views herself. Now, they take her books, and she begs for them back. They punch her, and kick her, and she believes she deserves it. She takes it as a punishment that was simply meant for her. That is not who I am anymore. Yes, I am human, and I make mistakes; don't we all? I know that I'm not always going to have people who like me, or who accept me for who I am or for what I do. I'm finally accepting that, and the reasoning why I have to just be who I am, and not hide myself from anybody, or defy who I am by the self harm I bring towards myself.
Every sense of harm or willingness punishment I bring to myself will come to an end, and be put to rest. My life is more important than that, and so is anybody else's. Leaving, or dying, would be selfish. It could not be beneficial in any way. It would only bring pain, to the ones I love, or the ones who knew me. The ones who always say me walking down the hallway, with those same shoes, and the same rusty headphone, wondering what my name was. Or the teacher who actually say my excellence and wondered how I was so much different from the other kids, or why I chose to sit in the back and do extra work for the "fun" of it. I'd be too much of a fool to leave home. To forget everything, and to rot in hell, and to place my focus on all my sins and the ones I've lost. It'd be selfish to myself, but most importantly, others that I love.
My heart is here to stay. To take on anything that comes my way. Yes, I'll always come to the point of crying, or to breaking down when necessary. That's just a part of life though, going through the struggle. Whether it's earlier on, or later in your years. Some have experienced both.
I'm happy. Wow... Haven't said that in a long while. But anyways, it's true. Even though right now might not be the best time to be at right now, and most of what I have and know is crashing upon me. I am happy, because I know that right now all I have to do is force a smile, then I can really do it without hesitation later when I know what it means to truly smile. I know that I'll be alright one day, it's only a matter of waiting when that time comes. Everyone is waiting, it's just the fact that only some are patient, while others struggle against what they cannot stand.
I'll live, and survive. I'll know how to handle my situations, and not face them by talking about them to ones of struggle for sympathy and self pity. I will develop habits that will help me through what I'm dealing with. I'll know what's good for me, and what's not. I'll come to realize that what I'm doing is not only good for myself, but for others. I'll remind myself of the girl I am, and who I need to be. I'll choose to love myself again, and to show my confidence. To not take any of it for granted, and to devour my beauty and my flaws. I'll wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and just stare. Stare at my own body, and remind myself of who I am. Show and tell myself that I'll be alright, and I'll just last. I'll keep aiming for the stars, and not everybody has a heart as heavy as mine.
"Do you know who you are? 'Cause I know who you are. You're a pinch of perfect, a dash of worth it. Don't take your life, just stay tongue tied. I know it's hard."
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