My Silence

As I'm left again, as I have been abandoned again. For the second time I've realized that I am nothing, I do not mean anything in this world. My existence is simply only a presence, it has no definition, and does not conquer the world with happiness, only darkness and pain. Now, at least it does. My heart actually aches of depression, and my body dies on the inside only to show what pain I've consumed. I guess a bottle can't save my life, nor take it away. I remember hearing it, and thinking "Why?", and "Why me?". Why is it always me that has to have my heart broken for the same reason. It's been played with, tortured, and tormented with. Does it not mean anything? Or, perhaps; I don't have a heart. You know... they left me, they told me I didn't matter, they didn't care what happened to me, they didn't need to understand how I was feeling, they didn't listen... And you couldn't live very long without a heart. Mine has been pulled out, tormented, stabbed, and thrown to the ground, as will my life. When will I actually be loved? I've been told that I'm so loved, and that I'm cared for as if any other person would feel the same. But my realization that everyone is just saying it because it's required is killing me. Although, the pain doesn't feel the same anymore. It's more of a numbing feeling. As if it's happened too many times before to the point where I don't feel a thing anymore. I'm used to the silent crying every night, for hours, I'm used to the knife hitting my skin whenever life gets too rough, I'm used to the piercing sounds of ones harassing me, I'm just simply used to it. I'm frozen inside, maybe not with the same intensity as how frozen my life is.
Sometimes, it just feels as if I've fallen asleep, and I haven't saved myself from the nothing I've become. Like I need to wake up from the nightmare that falls beneath me. Tonight, I realize that there's only one thing that I've engaged in that will always guarantee me happiness, and will always love me unconditionally. It's love hits my skin as it's sharpness caresses my scars, and shows me what the pursuit of my life is really suppose to be about. It whispers to me sometimes, and it's referred to as my blade, my razor. My token of hope.
I scream for help, on the inside. I cry for someone to save me from myself, for someone to show me love. But nobody listens, I'm rejected, I'm ignored, and most of all, hushed. As if what I say, or what I think doesn't matter. I know it may not mean much, but it does absolutely mean something at most. Inside my head, thoughts and words I should've said. I suffocate in my regrets. I can't take back anything, but the things I never said, and the things I never did. There's a possibility... that all that I've done, is useless, and worthless, like myself. All I've wanted to say, all I've wanted to do, is wait for someone, to hear me. Wait until they hear my silence, and notice my absolute nothing.

I'm sorry for whatever I've done. For being ungrateful, for never being enough, for never doing as much, for never helping myself, for never being the daughter, friend, lover, and beautiful woman you wanted me to become. I'm sorry for what I've said, for what I didn't say, for what I should've done, for what I've done, for what I've should've said. But now everything's going to be okay. Everything will fall into place. Love will be the echoing in my ears, when everything is lost and destroyed. And when hope is gone, and my arms and legs are under, my love will be there still. For you're the only one who can see my panic in my eyes, and you can kiss me and hold me when I cry. The essence of you makes me feel like I'm worth it, even though I know I'm not. It makes me feel a little less out of place in the world. Just don't hurt me like the rest, tear my heart to pieces like the others. Please. I'm too weak to handle that, I'm not strong enough to carry my heavy heart of what it's been deprived of. And I think I know what I've become. Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves. You've taken everything from me, and I love it. But I don't know why, why I stay, why I love you so much. You degrade, understate, and shame me. I just can't crack your code, but your safe is with me.

What if I asked you? What if I asked you to just do it... would you? If you loved so much, and enough  to never life without me. And we achieved it together, we achieved happiness. Forever, or not at all. If I took the gun, and you took the kiss. Would you really do it with me? When all else failed, and we had nothing left in life but pain and regret, would you pull the trigger with me? Killing two birds with one stone. If you take the gun, and put in up to my temple, our cheeks adjacent to each other, would you do it? If I just asked to take my life away, with yours. Together. If we were so assured that nothing in our life would ever go the way we planned it to be, ever again. It seems as if going together shows the romantic and the beautiful. Our deaths would be nothing more than an attempt to save ourselves from the world, just an unknown attempt. Thank you. Thank you for going, thank you for promising me, thank you for jumping with me, thank you for dying with me, thank you for being my light, for being my rock, for being my hope, thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for allowing me to not feel the cold anymore.
Thank you for letting me give up with you.

For You

I thought about you today; as I do every day. Yet, it was different today. I thought of you in a greater depth than usual. I thought of you in a different perspective. I didn't know how to take it, or how to perceive it. I just, simply thought. Your memories is what brings me hope. Allowing me to know that there was once some happiness in the world, some level of hope and self being inside of me. I remembered you at your best, and most certainly at your worst. There is nothing I wouldn't do in this world, nothing that I wouldn't give up, just to see you. Just to caress you one last time. To actually say Goodbye, rather than hearing a loved ones screams over your sudden death. I'd rather hear your lovely voice assure me that everything will be alright, and no harm will become of me anymore. I am ashamed to have passed upon the thought that you will never realize how loved something is until it's gone. I always thought of you, and was always excited whenever I got to see you. And when I did, I would always try and be near you, somehow try and make my way over to you. Your hugs was what I admired most about you. You were never shy, towards anyone. The most outgoing hugs is what I missed the most. The ones where you would hesitate to let you, where you would always leave with a kiss on the cheek in the end. You allowed me to know that I was loved once and for all by someone other than immediate family. I'd be a bit bummed when you had to leave, but timelessly grateful for even having you here. My past memories are a bit of a blur, but something that I'll never forget, or even remotely try and let go of. It brings me peace to know you're in a better place, and that nothing can hurt you anymore. You brought me happiness every time I saw your face, the way you showed me you were trying. You were studying the ways that you could've improved, impressed us and make us somehow forget what you were truly trying to hide from all of the ones you loved...

You had a problem. I get that. I did too, and I still do, and always will. Everyone will. You hid something from me that I was struggling with as well. I understand what you were going through. It was an addiction. I often forget that was even the cause of your loss, I never even remember the bad parts of why you're not here. I always search for the light first, before stepping into the shade. I have knowledge of why you didn't let me know, and I get that. I would've done the same. I would never get mad at you for what you hid, because it was the better thing. You hid it from someone as small that wouldn't grasp that situation. No matter who you really were, what you did, what you achieved, or what you regretted, I still love you. I never stopped. You were always my motivation, and you will continue to be for the rest of my life. But for what I've done, I'm going to stop. I am ending this endless path of pointless bullshit. I'll remember what is good in life, and I'll enjoy what is still here, while I still am. Everything I will do in life, will be significant, and will be meaningful. Whether it is for myself, or for the ones I love. You'll be in my thoughts.
I'm sorry.. I'm sorry you have to look down and see what I've become. What I've done to myself. What you are witnessing is a death sentence that was planned on happening a long while ago, and isn't anymore. Although, you are also witnessing someone who is becoming to see a lot of the beauty and happiness that life is bringing her. Her academics, her family, her one love, her friends, herself, and her music. I've brought myself to more meaning in life than just messing everything up, to not caring about anything or anyone. I've brought myself to believe that everything you do in life will always reflect on who you are, and you can always change that, and your reflection. I'm changing Auntie. I promise. I'll no longer mourn myself over your passing, rather than welcome the knowledge of knowing that you were here, and that you will always be in my heart. So, in actuality, you're not gone, you're just invisible. Thank you, for letting me know what was really important in life. You were certainly one of my most important aspects.
You know what, I still have your beads. Every now and then, I'll look at them and think of you. I'll grab them closely and lay down on my bed and relax with them. It lets me know that you are here with me, whether I can see you or not. To know that they aren't even the least of them, and that you have others stored in boxes. Your beads are your trademark, your one representation that I love to go by. It's something that I've always kept in mind since you've left. I've only heard my own cries, and my own silent screams for you, and now I've heard the Jazz playing in New Orleans. Your favorite place in the world. The one place you can flash yourself without getting in trouble for it on Mardi Gras. The one thing I wanted most was to experience my very first Mardi Gras with you in New Orleans. I know now that's never going to happen, but I'll go there whenever I think of you. Maybe even share a bit of the same alcohol too. Laugh a little, sing some Jazz, relax with some Blues. Think of the you that you left me to reminisce upon.

Well, at least I have more to remember you by. I'm glad to have known you, to have hugged you, and to have been loved by you. I'm sorry for what's been going on, and I'm holding on for you, and only for you. I know I didn't get to see you much when you were sick, and that is my biggest regret. I should've been there for you more, but I couldn't look at you without having tears pour out of me. My redemption will be shown soon, I will prove it to you, because you deserve it. You will always be my inspiration, and my motivation to keep holding on, and to survive. I'll see you someday, just not today, or anytime soon. I'll see you when my happiness has come to an end. Maybe then I'll enjoy your company for one last time. But until then... I love you, I always will. Stay beautiful, Keep it ugly. I'll see you soon my Crazy Cat Lady.

Happenings

I often wonder why things have happened to me, why I ask for the attention of people. Yes, I am a true writer. I want people to hear my story, in the true depth that someday someone will understand it, and maybe it'll allow them to question whether their life is worth giving up as well. Of course, I don't have it as bad as many people, I've realized that. Everyone has, or if not yet, Everyone will. I've written upon a piece of paper contemplating my own life, wondering what the hell I'm doing here, pondering on what there is left in the world for me. My attention-seeking, loving self couldn't handle the fact that the world actually had some good left in it for me.
For some odd, and unexplainable reason, I wanted it to be bad. Perhaps because I actually needed a reason, and not an excuse, to take my own life. I needed some poor liability for people to try and grasp the fact that I was finally gone. But that's just it... I never wanted to leave; I just thought that I always meant to. I always thought that because of what I've done, where I've been, and what I've seen, is something that should not be held on hell on earth. And something that should never be repeated again. Well, it's too late for that now, now isn't it? I'll never understand this world, which is something that cannot be easily accepted, but it's the truth. Maybe it's time to stop hiding, and masquerading the truth, and let it have it's day. Let it makes it's way. This world shouldn't feel so empty.

"I lost my mind before I knew what it meant to be sane."

There's one thing that I've been trying to find the courage to say for a long period of time. It's the courage to say that I'm okay, and I'm happy. To say that who I am right now, and what I'm going to do and be in my future, is exactly what I want, and great. Where I am right now, is a place where I can grow and heal; somewhere where I can appreciate life at it's finest. A while ago, I would've seen this place as a living rot, a place to die. Now, I see it as where I lost myself, where I devoured myself through my mind, and where I couldn't get into touch with the real reality of the world. A location in which I isolate myself in a corner every night and made myself think about all that I've done and seen in the past, where my dwelling literally almost murdered me. Yes, I'll admit; I could've and wanted to commit a long while ago, where I thought I could have been happier, where my life would've actually made sense then. Though, it makes more sense now than ever. Truly loving someone doesn't exist unless you love yourself. My conclusion, is that I do love myself, I truly do. It's only now that I'm realizing that it was the hate of others that didn't, but that's what traumatized me. I was filled with inaccurate things that didn't even make sense, but either way, I still believed them. Now, I don't. It's all in the past, somewhere in a lost place that will never have any visits from me again. I've moved on, I've deprived everyone that didn't love me before, and removed them. Ones that hurt me- gone. Ones that took advantage of my loveliness and caring self- gone. But most, ones that abandoned me- gone. They are finally, all gone.
I've illuminated all loss and pain from my life. Now it's time to start fresh. With everything.. New Sophomore year, New family remembrance, New man to help me continue to be happy and show me the world. But also, a new me. I'm going to make the most of life for this one year. To make it better than the rest, to make it something to remember by; the year that I finally grew up and realized that I'm loved. What I've done wrong, is that I did absolutely nothing. I didn't stand up for myself when it was needed. My mind was in a state where I consistently thought it was alright to let people stomp, kick and verbally abuse me. Now, I'm not letting that happen. No matter how small, weak, or dreary I am; I am not going to let that happen to me, or let alone, anyone else.

"Yes, even though I may be crazy, insane, or maybe even abnormal; I like it. I am loved, cherished, and most of all, respected. That's what we need to remember the most in life. All of us, together."

I lay in my bath, wondering what I would've done to myself in here a long while ago. Whether I would've picked up my razor, or ducked under the water willingly. Now, I sit here, letting the bubbles consume my precious body, and I remember that life has more to offer than what I only see now. My body is what I've described as disgusting, rigid, and maybe too much to handle. Only... Now it's mine. It's mine, nobody else's, so who cares? I lay here, in the warm water, closing my eyes to what I cannot see, but feel. Yet, the only thing I ponder upon is... What would happen if I did leave?