Be Still

I never even imagined a world with someone or something so special, that their presence would actually persuade me of staying for longer. Someone or something that could change anything and everything. I had given up at that point, I didn't seem to care for my existence or my well being. It didn't occur to me that what I was doing to myself would get me in trouble, or at least in a state where I couldn't think of anything good about myself. I would stay up for hours each night, regretting things that happened in the past, and wondering why they even happened. Yes, I was a dweller. I couldn't help it either. My memories were never to be faded, and they could not be erased or forgotten. My memories, Well... they were about the equivalency of my enemies. They haunted, taunted, and teased my soul. But most regretfully, they robbed me of my sanity in my mind. They made me see things, connect into my subconscious, and say things that I didn't think I could have the stomach to say. I was alone, and helpless. I was awaiting, for someone, something.

Then it was him. A man, not a boy; a man took the time to acknowledge me, and remember all the good about me. His arrival for me was a little early, and he came at a perfect time. Our conversations led into me telling him things that I've never told anybody, things that I would not have been able to tell some of my closest friends. Then, we got to know each other a lot more. He spoke of conversation that I will never forget. Things that I loved.  Things that made me wonder why I had even contemplated leaving in the first place; and why I would want to leave. It sickened me to know that I could leave such a place, with such beautiful and wonderful things; such as himself. What I saw him, he didn't see in himself. I pondered on the thought of how I could make him see, to make him realize. For he did the same. He'd spoken of things that I had never heard come out of someone else's mouth.
He simply made me feel alive; like I was worth living. Just for him, and myself. Like nothing else mattered when it came to him and I. It made me realize that there is always something you can live for. Whether it's for yourself, or for someone you love. I thought about him every single day, wondered what he was doing, wanting to hear his voice for the millionth time. I pictured him always; picturing him and his wonderful smile, like the one he made at me. His curiosity of me made me want him and love him even more than before. Yes, I love him. He is my everything, my only thing, and the one thing I want. His presence sets my heart at ease, and makes me tune out everything else in the world. As if nothing else mattered, or nothing else settled easily. Seeing his loving soul makes me want to never leave, and want to stay, only with him. Although that would be nice, I know it's too much to ask. My wishes are too much to ask, especially when it comes to a special one such as him. All I've wanted to say was I'm sorry... for wishing upon too much of you.

"Are you strong enough to stand, protecting both your heart and mine? My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball, wrapped around your ankles. Over the waterfall..."

I was a heavy heart to carry, and still am. There's not a doubt about that; as so he is as well. We both are. I'll wrap his heart around mine, carry both of ours. For his loving soul could never die, not while I'm here. I'm so heavy, heavy in his arms. My gratefulness of him not taking off for that reason has made me believe that he is the one. The one who makes me feel as if he's the one to make me happy; forever. I want him to stay, and I'll stay with him.
In that same bed. Where we could lie down in each other's arms, and caress each other wondering how we both even got to that point. Feel the warmth of one's body, and be grateful for the other's comfort. And as we're laying there, even though time still goes on, and there's still so much to worry about and accomplish; We'll know that everything we need, and will ever want, is right here, in each other's arms. Nothing more; nothing less. Me letting my fingers dance upon his skin, knowing that his will always be mine, and mine will always be his. Laying there, knowing we're both broken, knowing we both needed saving; we'll gather the fact that nothing can save us but ourself. So be still love, and know that I'll be here. When darkness falls upon your sleep, and robs you of your happiness, I'll be here to regain it. I'll be here to make you awaken, and realize you're okay. When fear haunts you, and shame commences towards you; I'll wrap you in my arms, lay you down, and hush you to remember the true fact; "You'll always be alright, no matter what shadows hurt you, or defeat you." If morning ever comes, if you're willing to let it come, then it shall rise upon your window, with the colors of politeness, and hope. I'm with you, and know I am here.

I'm giving up on myself, but I'll never give up on you. Never. There's no motivation in my mind that makes me want to stop, and there never will be. You're my blessing, and my one hope. I've only been missing my lover. You're all that matters to me, I'll put you in front of myself. No matter what happens, you're before anything else. I'd walk across the earth just to make you sleep safely at night, and make sure you're alright in the end.

I didn't see the beauty in the world anymore. But I did see the beauty in one thing; not in myself, my loved ones, in the art of nature, or anything like that. It was him. I saw the beauty and the wonderfulness of him for once, and it's not the last. So as I give up, I want you to know, as you know who you are. That I'm never giving up on you, as long as I live. I'll be your one, the one you want me to. I'll be what you want, as if you're happiness has awoken. I've struggled, felt small, been defeated, almost seen the clouds, and I've seen loss... it tears you. I know you hurt, and as long as you're here; I'll make it better. Say something, you're my hope. I'm sorry I couldn't reach you, for my will was weak. Whatever you may tell me, whatever it is, if it hurts, or pains you. I'll reach for you, and let you lay with me so it doesn't hurt anymore.

"Your pain is my pain, your love is my love. To tell the difference is to tell the difference between hell and heaven."

My Duration

For further reason, I have no acknowledgment as to what sort of world we're living in. We're surrounded by things that cannot be explained, and people that devote to such cruelty to ones who have done nothing in return. The determined sickness of this world is pulling itself apart, and creating it to be something, in all actuality, it isn't.
I see the world in a different perspective than most people. I choose to see the beauty in it, and the wonders it brings to us, regularly. I take the little things that it gives us, and over-exaggerates the sense of it, and turns it into a beacon. I stare at the sidewalk while walking, seeing each foot disappear as the other re-appears. I blast the sweet sound of my music in my ears, taking in all that the world has to offer, and all that it is when my eyes hit it. I simply see it as a beautiful, and extraordinary creation, in which, does not have a definite definition of itself. It's gorgeously complex, and mysterious. I glance at nature as a wondrous piece of the world that cannot ever be destroyed without a fight, and a part of the world that will never lose it's beauty. It's calms nerves, moves minds, and creates chaos. The shapes that it creates, and the gestures it makes without even being called upon, makes me wonder why the whole world cannot be looked at like this. It's carefulness and development, isn't even recognized.

My mind used to look at the world as hell. It used to call it a sin to live on such a place that makes you feel the way I used to. I'd criticize it, and make fun of the ways it brought us; when I was at my darkest and most depressive moments. I never looked past the pain, and always looked at what needed to be done to it. Of course; there are still some ways that the world would need to show us it's actual beauty and not coat it with the lust of the hell we think it is. Most take granted for what they're actually standing on, the soil they reside on, and what they believe is wrong.

I've seen fear, I've seen hell, I've seen evil, and I've seen self-loathing, and pain...

Ones who have isolated themselves to a corner where they feel safe. Where they cannot be hurt, broken, or betrayed anymore. Seeming as if they don't understand what the world is actually about. They do not comprehend the love that it can bring, and the joy, or the happiness; which is also, understandable. Considering they have not felt in a while, usually monotone, never feeling any sense of happiness or love. It's hard to believe that something actually exists, or can come back when it has come and left you many times, and hasn't been seen in a while. I know. It's a certain feeling that all you've ever felt from your past, until now, is all you'll ever feel. That all you've ever experienced; your happiness, your love, your pain, and your loss, is all that there is in this world. You've believed that there's nothing new you'll ever feel. It seems like a permanent theory, but it's just the fact that you have to believe that it's not true. Otherwise, you'll never make anything of yourself, ever again.

The day is your time to shine, where you fake every positive emotion possible, just so that your loved ones can believe that you're okay. Just so that they don't have to worry; because you know you don't want them to. It's alright, they'll believe you sometime soon. Once they see all the good that you're doing, and all the good you'll ever do; they'll make sure that you don't ever go back to what you once thought. But the secret is; is that that's all you've ever felt. During day, it's when you soak in the heat of the sun that may not be out for long, and assure everyone how beautiful, amazing, wonderful, and loved they all are; because you wouldn't want them to feel the same way you do.
The night is the time of loathing, where you're puzzled at what happened when you saw the sun, because now you see the moon. You contemplate what's going to happen tomorrow, when you have to pretend yourself again to ones you thought you loved. I've spent most of my time in the dark, remembering what's happened and what I've done. What I did to lose the people that I did, and how I lost them. It makes me ache wondering if I could've done something to help them, or done something to prevent their loss. Being abandoned, betrayed, hurt, beaten, and outspoken will make someone go insane, then be called it. Not knowing that they are actually one of the most sane people known to this world. Some people just don't deserve it...

"Life is difficult, hard. Death is easy, peaceful."