Why?
I know I keep doing this to myself as well, but why? Why the hell
would I put myself in a position like this? My life has turned it's
course, a course in which I do not want to be on. I'd rather just go.
I'd rather just die wherever I may. I imagine how the spirits take
me, and how they embrace my stupidity for what it is. They allow me
to be free. Freedom! Yes, that's what I want. To be alone, forever.
To never be seen again. I want to leave this world, or maybe even the
country. I want to start fresh in my own mind. Contact is not what
I'm asking for, To leave means to forget, that's what I want. Nothing
more, nothing less. Yet, what does this world have to offer me? What
would happen if I actually did leave? Would they miss me? No. Just
simply, no. They hate me for who I am, what I've filled them with.
It's disgusting. I am at least. What I've turned into. Everybody
looks at me and sees a beautiful woman who could go on to do great
things, yet, I've never seen it that way. I see a girl who contains
all of her lies in her smile, who lies beyond belief to people she
loves so that she can have a great amount of sympathy. Even though
she's stopped it, she cannot fathom the fact that she even had the
guts to do it. Her reasoning consumes all of her thoughts and her
mind. She cannot think without crying out to the world, why? She is
blind. Blinded by what she has painted herself as. She cannot she was
she truly is anymore, and she never will. Once people understand that
about her, she'll be fine. Just fine. Never better, in fact. She
doesn't want the world to see how she is gradually dying inside.
She's drowning in her thoughts, yet nobody sees. She is perfectly
fine with that, she doesn't want anybody to know. Yet, she cannot
hide it very well like she used to. Because she met the man she
thought she'd love forever, and hold. And although that happened, he
betrayed her. She doesn't blame him, he should've left sooner. She
was a tyrant in the relationship. She should've just killed herself
to make him free of her. She didn't want anything to do with the
world. She urges to kill, not anybody though. The blade she sees
everyday haunts her of her mind. It makes her wonder what she could
do with it, it makes her ache. Why she couldn't just die instead, she
doesn't know. Her death would've been the new beginning she'd always
wanted. Everybody hurt her in her life, Yet, the biggest betrayal was
the ones she put upon herself.
The
way she thought, was indescribable. Nobody actually understood what
she was thinking of on a daily routine. Mostly because it was against
her oath made to friends and family. She couldn't let them see how
bad she had gotten. If she did, her world would end for her. She
would end it herself. No matter the consequences, and having the
knowledge of knowing that she could never come back, or she would go
straight to the depths of hell. Her notions that had been made in the
real world had made her ponder on how she could've done such things.
Most of us have done worse than her, but she has her own set of
limits, ones that were exceeded for a long duration of time.
I
miss it though. The pain, not of the ones people brought about to me.
But the ones in which I brought myself. My self harm. I miss it all
too much. The cutting, the feeling, the misery it came with. I
remember it all too well, as if it will never arise in my life again.
I'd come home, find the one thing that made me happy in the world, my
razor. When I found it, I felt a sense of relief in my body. I cannot
acquire the fact that I'd never feel it again. I resent myself
towards it everyday, thinking about what my family and friends would
think of me if I actually did do it. When I did do it, I was happy. I
have never felt more relieved in my entire life. I could see it. My
flesh, turn red within an instant of the blade hitting my skin. The
adrenaline I felt from it. It was spectacular, it made me feel...
Alive. For once. I could see the blood rushing down, rushing down my
leg. It was cold, and it felt nice. It made me shiver at one point,
but that's what made it exciting. Everything about it, the pain, the
blood, the rush of energy, and the relief. It made me ponder on how I
don't do it more often. Made me think of why I couldn't just do this
for the rest of my life. It killed me to know that I'd never felt
something quite like this. But... The best things come with the worst
consequences. So.. Me cutting, Yes, I would've never thought.
When
I think of death, I think of happiness. It engulfs my soul, it brings
me to enlightenment. I don't know why, but I've never felt more of a
sense of relief when I think of dying. I cannot think about being any
more happier than when I dreamt of the wishes I bring upon myself
that imagine me in the ground. I think of the worshipers I have been
around, their love for God. For I have never felt him in my life, I
have never had a sense of him, Ever. In all actuality, I have never
felt any hope, or God, or Lord of any sort. Besides, if there is a
god, then what has he done for me? Brought me into this world? I do
not think of being in this world to be a privilege. I think of it to
be a sin in itself. Bringing me into this world only made me want to
leave it even more. I hate it, it brings me to tears every night,
knowing that I cannot sleep. I stare, and glance at the wall. How
white it is, how plain, and simple. It only sits there for decades
and maybe even centuries, only for it to be knocked down in the
future. I think about what it has gone through, it doesn't have
to communicate, it only has to wait for it's death to come. In a way,
I wish I was that same wall. I wouldn't have to communicate or
contact any person, wouldn't have to be discriminated against or
taunted by the people here. I would only have to acknowledge the
presence of the world, and live in it, alone.
If
I had lived in this world alone, I would've found more peace and
essence in it, but the people that surround it, bring it down to a
level that make people everyday want to leave.
Life
was never what was wanted by the people like me. Like me, I am
attracted to the darkness, the paranormal, and the unnatural, the
things that do not appear as they seem. I appear to the subjects that
bring me pain, and endurance. The ones that take the most strength.
Concepts that bring me to accept that I am strong, and that I can do
whatever I persist my mindset to.
I
feed everyone lies, my heart's invested in it. I've seen so many of
them come and go, so many of them left. I wish I had left, long ago.
I am who I am, and this is who we are. I don't care if you leave or
not, I'm used to it, I've gotten over it. I am the broken-hearted. I
cannot stand the ones who call themselves saints, yet, have never
once given themselves the essence of love and peace. Yes, I have
sinned. Many times, I have done things that many cannot achieve,
simply because they are not as fearless as I am. I am not afraid to
get hurt, or even to die. My actions are consisted of the adrenaline
that are the equivalency of death. They have the same feeling, the
same rush, and the same passion. I'd never felt a better time in my
life. When your heart pounds so hard, that you feel as if you're
ending is near. It's the best feeling in the world.
Well,
Goodbye Cruel and hateful world, hope to never see you again...
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