My Motivation

There is no point to living, although, there is a story to tell with every life; so why not tell it? I've gathered that we were not put on this earth to actually discover why we're here, or how it started. We were put here to live with it, to love it, and embrace it. Doesn't it feel like our time is running out? Like the time is never going to end, or finally stop.
My story has always been one to share, at least from my perspective. I grew up like a normal girl, wondering what the world was full of. Nothing to be expected of me, and certainly no reason to be suspicious of me. I was that little girl in the meadow that didn't give a care in the world about the thoughts that roamed of her in other's heads. When I was young, I grew to be normal, nothing wrong, and nothing that could ever go wrong. Once I experienced loss, and abandonment, it crushed me on the inside. Although, I didn't know it was crushing me until later on. I eventually started lying to myself, telling myself that I was okay, and that nothing was wrong. When the truth was, is that I was dying on the inside, and that I was certainly feeling alone without any acknowledgement. To my own knowledge, I didn't even know I was dying. It was all oblivious to me. Nothing had seemed right, but I was quick to assume that everything did. When life became hard, I found ways to cope with it; not very good ways, but ways. Things that nobody had ever known about me until recent. The way I use to consume large amounts of food, just so that I could regurgitate it back up. The way I'd find a razor to help me live happiness. Or the way I'd be outside riding my bike for hours at a time, wondering what had happened to me. My normal childhood, turned into a death trap; and I was okay with it.
Now, I am just a burden. Nothing to be proud of. Nothing to get excited over. I am me, but not the good me. I have changed dramatically due to my past, the stuff that no one knows anything about. Something that I chose to keep quiet for so long. In fear that it may hurt the ones I love, but now it is just my way of expressing how much I died on the inside so long ago. And to my belief, nobody actually truly cares. That is how it is with all of life. You never know or actually acquire the thought of how much somebody cares, until they're gone and you're left with nothing but yourself to deal with. It's challenging to remember a time when I didn't spend most of my night contemplating why I'm even here, or spent the night crying.
Have you ever been hurt? Betrayed? Abandoned? It kills you. Like you were a mistake. That nothing you've done or nothing you will begin to do will ever be enough for anyone. That you're worthless and not living up to one's expectations. I sit every awakening moment wondering if I'm good enough. Whether I'm actually someone's worry, someone's love, or someone's motivation. Or whether I'm just someone's hatred, someone's burden, or someone's mistake.
My quiet has been known for quite sometime now. I've always been the girl in the back, not caring about anything else in the world. I've always been the one who cannot go with crowds, the one that stays home. The one that's picked last, the one that remains silent. I'm nobody's first choice, and I've dealt with that; I think. But the real truth of the matter is that there is nobody in this world that will ever truly love you in the ways that you can love yourself. But for further excuse, I don't even love myself. I choose not to, I don't naturally. It's something I just never learned to do, something that never crept into my mind. I've always put the ones I love the most, and their needs before mine. I admire them. I let them know how beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and special they are because I don't want them feeling the same way I do; which is none of those aspects.

You know, I've asked myself numerous times before, what it's like to be happy. If I had asked myself that same question a while ago, then I wouldn't have given you an answer, because I'd say I haven't experienced that real feeling yet. Although, now I have. When I am with him, it's like nothing else. Like nothing else matters. As if the world has collapsed or disappeared within me, and that when he holds me, there is nothing else in the world that gives me much more joy. There's something about the light I see in him, the light that usual people don't really give sight to, that brings me hope. There's something about the way he smiles, the way he jokes around with me, the way he kisses me, that makes me feel like there's something actually worth living for. Something worth remembering, something worth the time to look back on in my later years, when I am still with him.
I see him, and love him. I notice him, and smile. He makes me feel worth the time, beautiful, and wonderful from the inside to the outside. He holds me as if everything in life has already been achieved, and he has nothing more to do. He caresses me like there is more to life than me, that everything he loves, and everything he wants, is in his arms. Perhaps even the way he looks at me. The way he stares into me with those hazel eyes, and glances at the beauty he sees in me. Something about the way he moves, the way he speaks, just everything. It amazes me how much a person can really achieve to be so perfect. In another way, he makes me feel safe. Like nothing will ever hurt me or come close to the pain I've felt before. He tells me it'll be okay. And no matter how small a problem, or how minuscule a situation may be; if it bothers me, I'll speak and he'll listen. It brings me absolute happiness to know that there is someone out there that truly loves me, and will always be there for me, through thick and thin. It's too early to say I love him, but it's true, isn't it? I do love him. He says he loves me too. No matter if it's actually the truth, or the right timing, who cares? I will continue to love someone, for that is what brings me complete happiness in the world. I'll keep him forever, because that's what he deserves. Someone who will enjoy his presence, and someone who will non-stop be his one and only love. I'll keep him, hold onto him, for he is my one motivation.