My Angel

I'll sit and remember where I came from. I'll stand and remember where my feet once were. I'd never thought that I wouldn't care so much to a point where I would actually give up my life to someone. To put my life in his hands, and to actually live as if I live for him, and die for him when it's wanted. As I'm miles away from home, not wondering what my family will think. Whether they'll actually care, or whether they'll shake it off and wonder why, then realize that they're better off without me for a better and more meaningful reasoning. But what if I didn't care? Would it even matter? Would I even matter? My life would mean nothing once I left. Once I left and once I disappeared from the pain, misery, and the desire of death. It's alright, I'll be okay. Even so, I deserve it. I'm pathetic, I'm a nobody.
I'm just that one girl that you always see in the hallways. That goes everywhere by herself with nothing but herself and her headphones. I'm nothing. I'm the one who blasts what's in her ears just so that nobody is able to know what's on the inside. That same girl is the one who sits in the back of the classroom so that she can carry on and continue with her work without disturbance. She needs not anyone to distract her from herself or her feelings that are trapped on the inside. I'm the girl who wears jeans and a sweatshirt when it's ninety degrees outside just so that not a single soul may look upon my scars, or even remotely see them. I hide not only my emotional self, but also my physical self. My body was nothing I was ever proud of. Scars haunt me of my past and what I used to do to myself, and what I still crave to do. My fat disturbs my mind, and I cannot deal with the fact that I cannot possibly blend in with other of the girls who's bodies are beautiful, and natural. I'm the girl that's scared to walk down the hallways because of what people may or may not think of her. In fact, my body, my actions, are not quite as disturbing as the way my mind works. I look in a mirror and see a face that nobody could love, not even myself. I see a body that will never be loved by a man, or anyone for that matter. I see a useless, worthless, and selfless human being who never truly had any love for herself. A now, young woman who cannot appreciate what she's got, because what she's got gets bashed on and critiqued every day from people who know nothing about her, or what she's been through. She sees a broken heart collapsing upon herself in a mirror, imagining the glass shattering upon her and cutting through her skin; just as she had wanted all along. She pictures the glass taking her life upon her so she wouldn't have to do one thing in this world anymore; to see a little girl in the mirror anymore and see the broken, useless, and worthless young woman who puts on a mask everyday, just for the sake of her loved ones, and her own sanity.

I travel everyday in my mind. To the darkest of shadows anyone could ever see. I scatter from the light and make my way into the shadows. Where the black light lets me not see myself, where no one can. Somewhere far away, and land of known suspension. When all is lost and gone, I'll remember your love for me. Love will be the echoing in your sleep, and I'll be there. My love will be there still. Never gone, I will never leave, unless you want me to, if you're done with me or don't want me anymore.
Well at least you're still here. You're about the only one who hasn't left me yet, and left me to the darkness. The one who's helped me, and never judged me, no matter what the situation. Your touch is what brings me to my knees, and you're kiss is the one kiss that makes me realize why I've decided to stay. You're love that you have shown to me is what makes me see your beauty and your wonderfulness.
You're my angel, my guardian angel. The one who unexpectedly showed up, and showed me how much of a real human being I really am. My beauty, my intelligence, and much more. You showed me what love really is. What it means to compromise and not beat me. What it means to say I love you when you really mean it. What it means to want me every minute of every day when you grab my waist and pull me forwards. And what it means to finally release your mind to me when you kiss my passionately.
I hope one day I can finally show you how much you mean to me, whether you see it or not. I hope that one day you'll realize that the only thing that I truly want in this world is you. That the one reason I'm still here, and that I've stayed, is because you told me to, and you drove me to stay. And for most, that the only thing I wished in this world is that I hoped you could see yourself in the way that I see you, for what you really are. So you could see your love, your courage, your amazing soul, and so you could see how important you are to me, immensely.

If you remind me of one thing in this world; you remind me of the angel in the light I thought I once saw when I first decided to take my own life.