Happenings

I often wonder why things have happened to me, why I ask for the attention of people. Yes, I am a true writer. I want people to hear my story, in the true depth that someday someone will understand it, and maybe it'll allow them to question whether their life is worth giving up as well. Of course, I don't have it as bad as many people, I've realized that. Everyone has, or if not yet, Everyone will. I've written upon a piece of paper contemplating my own life, wondering what the hell I'm doing here, pondering on what there is left in the world for me. My attention-seeking, loving self couldn't handle the fact that the world actually had some good left in it for me.
For some odd, and unexplainable reason, I wanted it to be bad. Perhaps because I actually needed a reason, and not an excuse, to take my own life. I needed some poor liability for people to try and grasp the fact that I was finally gone. But that's just it... I never wanted to leave; I just thought that I always meant to. I always thought that because of what I've done, where I've been, and what I've seen, is something that should not be held on hell on earth. And something that should never be repeated again. Well, it's too late for that now, now isn't it? I'll never understand this world, which is something that cannot be easily accepted, but it's the truth. Maybe it's time to stop hiding, and masquerading the truth, and let it have it's day. Let it makes it's way. This world shouldn't feel so empty.

"I lost my mind before I knew what it meant to be sane."

There's one thing that I've been trying to find the courage to say for a long period of time. It's the courage to say that I'm okay, and I'm happy. To say that who I am right now, and what I'm going to do and be in my future, is exactly what I want, and great. Where I am right now, is a place where I can grow and heal; somewhere where I can appreciate life at it's finest. A while ago, I would've seen this place as a living rot, a place to die. Now, I see it as where I lost myself, where I devoured myself through my mind, and where I couldn't get into touch with the real reality of the world. A location in which I isolate myself in a corner every night and made myself think about all that I've done and seen in the past, where my dwelling literally almost murdered me. Yes, I'll admit; I could've and wanted to commit a long while ago, where I thought I could have been happier, where my life would've actually made sense then. Though, it makes more sense now than ever. Truly loving someone doesn't exist unless you love yourself. My conclusion, is that I do love myself, I truly do. It's only now that I'm realizing that it was the hate of others that didn't, but that's what traumatized me. I was filled with inaccurate things that didn't even make sense, but either way, I still believed them. Now, I don't. It's all in the past, somewhere in a lost place that will never have any visits from me again. I've moved on, I've deprived everyone that didn't love me before, and removed them. Ones that hurt me- gone. Ones that took advantage of my loveliness and caring self- gone. But most, ones that abandoned me- gone. They are finally, all gone.
I've illuminated all loss and pain from my life. Now it's time to start fresh. With everything.. New Sophomore year, New family remembrance, New man to help me continue to be happy and show me the world. But also, a new me. I'm going to make the most of life for this one year. To make it better than the rest, to make it something to remember by; the year that I finally grew up and realized that I'm loved. What I've done wrong, is that I did absolutely nothing. I didn't stand up for myself when it was needed. My mind was in a state where I consistently thought it was alright to let people stomp, kick and verbally abuse me. Now, I'm not letting that happen. No matter how small, weak, or dreary I am; I am not going to let that happen to me, or let alone, anyone else.

"Yes, even though I may be crazy, insane, or maybe even abnormal; I like it. I am loved, cherished, and most of all, respected. That's what we need to remember the most in life. All of us, together."

I lay in my bath, wondering what I would've done to myself in here a long while ago. Whether I would've picked up my razor, or ducked under the water willingly. Now, I sit here, letting the bubbles consume my precious body, and I remember that life has more to offer than what I only see now. My body is what I've described as disgusting, rigid, and maybe too much to handle. Only... Now it's mine. It's mine, nobody else's, so who cares? I lay here, in the warm water, closing my eyes to what I cannot see, but feel. Yet, the only thing I ponder upon is... What would happen if I did leave?