For You

I thought about you today; as I do every day. Yet, it was different today. I thought of you in a greater depth than usual. I thought of you in a different perspective. I didn't know how to take it, or how to perceive it. I just, simply thought. Your memories is what brings me hope. Allowing me to know that there was once some happiness in the world, some level of hope and self being inside of me. I remembered you at your best, and most certainly at your worst. There is nothing I wouldn't do in this world, nothing that I wouldn't give up, just to see you. Just to caress you one last time. To actually say Goodbye, rather than hearing a loved ones screams over your sudden death. I'd rather hear your lovely voice assure me that everything will be alright, and no harm will become of me anymore. I am ashamed to have passed upon the thought that you will never realize how loved something is until it's gone. I always thought of you, and was always excited whenever I got to see you. And when I did, I would always try and be near you, somehow try and make my way over to you. Your hugs was what I admired most about you. You were never shy, towards anyone. The most outgoing hugs is what I missed the most. The ones where you would hesitate to let you, where you would always leave with a kiss on the cheek in the end. You allowed me to know that I was loved once and for all by someone other than immediate family. I'd be a bit bummed when you had to leave, but timelessly grateful for even having you here. My past memories are a bit of a blur, but something that I'll never forget, or even remotely try and let go of. It brings me peace to know you're in a better place, and that nothing can hurt you anymore. You brought me happiness every time I saw your face, the way you showed me you were trying. You were studying the ways that you could've improved, impressed us and make us somehow forget what you were truly trying to hide from all of the ones you loved...

You had a problem. I get that. I did too, and I still do, and always will. Everyone will. You hid something from me that I was struggling with as well. I understand what you were going through. It was an addiction. I often forget that was even the cause of your loss, I never even remember the bad parts of why you're not here. I always search for the light first, before stepping into the shade. I have knowledge of why you didn't let me know, and I get that. I would've done the same. I would never get mad at you for what you hid, because it was the better thing. You hid it from someone as small that wouldn't grasp that situation. No matter who you really were, what you did, what you achieved, or what you regretted, I still love you. I never stopped. You were always my motivation, and you will continue to be for the rest of my life. But for what I've done, I'm going to stop. I am ending this endless path of pointless bullshit. I'll remember what is good in life, and I'll enjoy what is still here, while I still am. Everything I will do in life, will be significant, and will be meaningful. Whether it is for myself, or for the ones I love. You'll be in my thoughts.
I'm sorry.. I'm sorry you have to look down and see what I've become. What I've done to myself. What you are witnessing is a death sentence that was planned on happening a long while ago, and isn't anymore. Although, you are also witnessing someone who is becoming to see a lot of the beauty and happiness that life is bringing her. Her academics, her family, her one love, her friends, herself, and her music. I've brought myself to more meaning in life than just messing everything up, to not caring about anything or anyone. I've brought myself to believe that everything you do in life will always reflect on who you are, and you can always change that, and your reflection. I'm changing Auntie. I promise. I'll no longer mourn myself over your passing, rather than welcome the knowledge of knowing that you were here, and that you will always be in my heart. So, in actuality, you're not gone, you're just invisible. Thank you, for letting me know what was really important in life. You were certainly one of my most important aspects.
You know what, I still have your beads. Every now and then, I'll look at them and think of you. I'll grab them closely and lay down on my bed and relax with them. It lets me know that you are here with me, whether I can see you or not. To know that they aren't even the least of them, and that you have others stored in boxes. Your beads are your trademark, your one representation that I love to go by. It's something that I've always kept in mind since you've left. I've only heard my own cries, and my own silent screams for you, and now I've heard the Jazz playing in New Orleans. Your favorite place in the world. The one place you can flash yourself without getting in trouble for it on Mardi Gras. The one thing I wanted most was to experience my very first Mardi Gras with you in New Orleans. I know now that's never going to happen, but I'll go there whenever I think of you. Maybe even share a bit of the same alcohol too. Laugh a little, sing some Jazz, relax with some Blues. Think of the you that you left me to reminisce upon.

Well, at least I have more to remember you by. I'm glad to have known you, to have hugged you, and to have been loved by you. I'm sorry for what's been going on, and I'm holding on for you, and only for you. I know I didn't get to see you much when you were sick, and that is my biggest regret. I should've been there for you more, but I couldn't look at you without having tears pour out of me. My redemption will be shown soon, I will prove it to you, because you deserve it. You will always be my inspiration, and my motivation to keep holding on, and to survive. I'll see you someday, just not today, or anytime soon. I'll see you when my happiness has come to an end. Maybe then I'll enjoy your company for one last time. But until then... I love you, I always will. Stay beautiful, Keep it ugly. I'll see you soon my Crazy Cat Lady.